A bold statement for a title I know. I should feel lucky to stay inside, that my family are safe and that my baby isn’t due for three months but I can’t help but not document how I’ve felt during this time. This is a moment of history that will change our lives forever, whether we walk away from Coronavirus in a few weeks or not, the pregnancy experience everyone dreams of has been dramatically altered in a way no one would wish for.
I completely understand how the Coronavirus has been devastating and life changing for so many people in such worse circumstances and my thoughts are completely with those people. This has to be the worst health emergency our world has ever seen, whilst I am extremely fortunate to be healthy and happy, I just wanted to document this experience for anyone going through the same thing and to look back on.
Initial thoughts about lockdown
When pregnant people were told to shield from the 17th March, I instantly made the decision to self-isolate as a household. Work told me to stay home until the 12 weeks were done, Dan literally went into work the next morning picked up his second screen, work stuff and ran out of the office within minutes. We even went to Waitrose that evening and panic bought. Yep, we did but when you’re told you’re suddenly vulnerable and have no idea of the scale of the virus, the worst thoughts run through your head and we ensured we had enough to see us through a few weeks of food. I felt like we needed enough freezer food and tins to ensure we ate well too.
The 12 week isolation felt daunting but it didn’t feel that long at first, it felt do-able. At this point, my midwife said she would be coming to the house for appointments and everything would be ‘ok’ and routine.
When things changed…
Within a couple of days, the country locked down with working from home being the requirement for most, no seeing friends and family, complete social distancing and all non-essential shops shut. The hospital then told me no one would be visiting me for my appointments and it would all be phone call led until 28 weeks. I’m not going to lie, it was devastating.
I was told ‘Oh the only difference is that you won’t do your urine tests and you won’t hear the heartbeat.’ As if that makes it ok. You only get two scans, two tiny 5 minute chances to see your baby in the whole nine month process, I was longing for those little experiences to hear and check in our baby.
Once I got over this, we were then hit with the news that hospitals no longer allowed visitors so this meant for our 20 week scan, the most important one, Dan would not be allowed to see his child’s health and progression. It must be even harder for those having to do the 12 week scan on their own too, I personally think the father’s get it hardest here as they don’t get the kicks and bump as it is – the scans are the main chance to bond.
Private scan
Due to the changes in rules, a private scan felt the only alternative. There was no way I was going to see if our baby was ok on my own. For the weeks between the 12 week scan, not all that much happens to tell you if the baby is ok. You are quite literally left on your own in normal circumstances, let alone a pandemic. If I had any issues, I didn’t want to have to go to a hospital by myself to find out.
Similarly, with everything being ok, I didn’t want the experience of finding out our baby’s gender to be damaged by this virus either. I wanted that to be a moment we could enjoy together. Luckily, we got a private scan done and it was incredible. We saw SO much of our baby, everything from lungs to stomach and we were lucky enough to get a sneaky 3d preview which was just amazing.
We found out she was a she and it felt like it connected us all together. I knew I could then go to the 20 week NHS scan without worry and nerves, even though it was still rubbish that Dan had to sit in the car.
The positives to being on lockdown.
Yes there’s been a few positives because I don’t want to be completely doom and gloom. One of the main things is that Dan and I have been able to take life a bit slower. Whilst working from home has been interesting, we get to spend every lunch together and just enjoy each others company. We’ve spent more time in the garden than ever before and we’ve been able to work on our home and baby’s nursery – much quicker than in normal circumstances weirdly enough.
I’ve been able to rest lots and allow my body to just grow and do what it needs to, rather than rushing about all the time. I’ve kept any risk or potential danger out of the way because I’ve been home the whole time. We’ve tried to adapt date nights by having fun takeaways and trying new cooking styles and shopped local which has given us small chances at trying to be ‘normal.’
The heat – I think if we hadn’t of had the heatwave throughout April, this would’ve been a whole different story.
The things I’ve missed the most.
I really wish I got to experience more of the opportunities that all the other mums have. The antenatal classes where you not only learn how to look after a human but also meet people in the same position locally. I wanted to go for loads of meals, dates, holidays and trips before baby arrives so Dan and I could get them all in before we’re not able to do as many.
I wanted to desperately go on holiday to have a break from life as I’ve not stopped properly in over a year and I needed a break. Even lockdown doesn’t feel like a break because life feels like it’s constantly on edge right now. I hate that my family haven’t been able to see us, naturally, I wanted to do so many things with them to start getting ready for the baby too, like baby shows and shopping.
I’m hopeful that in a few weeks we can go shopping properly, I’ve held off buying clothing and basically everything except furniture until now so I could at least see the clothes, look at options and not just buy online with none of the experience attached to it.
People who have been pregnant before us has said “somethings don’t matter, it will be fine when the baby gets here, we never had that back in my day etc etc’ but it doesn’t make it easier knowing you should’ve had the experiences you dream of.
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There’s times where I’ve hated being locked up, hormones have really thrown me and got me to low points. Work has been hard because I’ve wanted to keep going, I need to make money but there’s nothing more to give sometimes. We’re so blessed to have this baby and it’s given me a new found appreciation for what my body has done so far and when she comes out I’m going to hold her so tight and think lockdown mums are going to be more protective than ever before.
I’m finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel to all of this, things are picking back up and life is getting there but there’s chances and memories I’ll never get back now and I just pray that when she’s here, this world is back to normal and she never has to go through an experience like this in her lifetime.